A beautiful week.

I don't really know where to start.

This is the first real chance I have had some time to sit and write. Right now its 11pm. My girls are sound asleep, all 3 of them. Sam is out at the movies seeing Avatar with Scarlett's God father Luke. So I have some quiet time to myself.

Thank you to everyone for all your love and support that was sent to us over the last week. We so appreciate it.

We have had many people ask us how to pronounce Ocea's name. It is pronounced Osha. We named her after the ocean. In the week that I fell pregnant with her I saw dolphins on 3 different nights at Christian's beach. I hadn't seen them at all there before then and I haven't seen them since. I feel as though they were sent to me to let me know that something beautiful was on the horizon.

We welcomed Ocea into our world one week ago today. Her birth was calm and peaceful. I never believed a birth could go that beautifully. She cried instantly as my Obstetrician pulled her from my womb. It was the most beautiful sound. They dropped the curtin to show Sam and I our beautiful daughter. Our Ocea Marie with skinny legs and jet black hair. We both cried tears of joy and relief. Sam was given our daughter to hold after I requested that he would hold her first. I wanted to be able to be sitting more upright for when I would get to hold her for the first time. We were sent to recovery where she was placed straight into my arms. I was able to feed her straight away which made her and I very happy.

I spent the first night with Ocea laying on my chest. We stayed up all night together. She barely cried. Just fed and looked up at me. I noticed the hours passing but to be honest I was just so completely in awe of her that I was not worried about how tired I would be the next day. We watched the sun come up together and I just thanked God that it was over and that she was here safe in my arms. I thought about Christian as the sun rose. I wondered what he did after he said goodbye to Ocea just before she was born. I wondered if he stayed with us for a while or if he just left straight away to go on his next adventure up in the stars.

The next day I barely put Ocea down. I started to get a head ache. I thought that maybe it was because I had not slept. As it got worse and worse I was unable to have any light in the room and I had to lay flat on my back to reduce the pain. After 3 days it was decided that I had a complication with the spinal block, a 1 in 2000 chance. Of course I was that number 1. The first case they had seen in the last 7 years. They gave me 2 options to resolve the problem, the first being an epidural to fix it or a mix of different drugs to just take the pain away. So for the time being I am on heavy pain killers so that I may have my eyes open during the day and also so that I am able to sit up and walk around.

....................................................................................

So its now Christmas Eve. I couldn't finish the post last night. Sam came home on cloud 9 and apparently Avatar is the best movie in the history of the universe... I will see it one day :)

I wrote at some point about choosing a song for Ocea to hear for the first time. We love music in our home, so Ocea would have heard some before but it would have been mumbled as she was swimming in all that water. In the end I didn't pick a song. I just couldn't find the perfect one for her. I think it was the 3rd night that we had her in the hospital. I was in a bit of a bad state. I could barley open my eyes with this headache that I had and I was just really down that I had it. Sam came into the hospital with a CD player and some cd's. He put this song on for Ocea and I to listen to. It was the last song I heard before she was born. We played it on the way to the hospital. It is one of my all time favourites and I think now it will be a favourite of my for the rest of my life. This song as everything. This is how I feel rigt now. I feel I have everything... and as much as I don't have my son physically here with me, I still have him. He is mine. He is Sam's and he will always be. Always.

We have four children. Three beautiful healthy daughters. Each of them unique. Each of them precious. Each of them a miracle.

I will leave you with some photos from one of the most beautiful weeks of our lives. Thank you for your love and support. It means more to me than anyone could ever know.

Enjoy the song.

Welcome Ocea Marie...

Hi everyone, this is Sam here.

I am proud to announce the safe arrival of our fourth child and third daughter Ocea Marie. She was born at 8.27am on 16-Dec-09, weighing 7lbs 4oz and 50cm in length. Carly is feeling well and Ocea is a content little girl (so far). Thank you everybody for your prayers and words of support over the last nine months, we will update again when we can.

- A very relieved dad

37 weeks

I know I have been quiet. It is not that I want to be, it is just that my whole being has been taken over by her.

She consumes my mind, my body, my spirit.

Only 9 more sleeps.

I can't write how I am feeling.

I'm tired.

She is ready and I am too...

Almost.

Butterflies From Germany

I once wrote a post about remembering. Remembering who I was before I lost Christian. I had been to the Coldplay concert and if you have been reading here a while you might remember that I went on and on about how amazing it was.

That night I watched a million butterflies be released from the roof of the Burswood Dome where the concert was held. It was the most beautiful site I had seen in a very long time. I remembered at that point who I once was - who I still was. I was unable to take home any of the little butterflies that flew down from the roof that night as we were sitting too far away. When we left the concert I found one small crumbled and stepped on butterfly out side. I was really down that I could not take any home to frame with my ticket. They were so significant to me at that very moment in time. I think about them often - these little butterflies.

The other day I picked up my mail from our PO Box. There was a letter for me from Germany from a woman named Claudia. As I opened her letter 6 brightly coloured butterflies fell into my lap. I burst into to tears. Poor Scarlett, I am worried that she will have a fear of opening letters as I cry so often when opening them! But anyway as Scarlett wrapped her arms around me she said "Don't be sad Mummy they are beautiful butterflies" I knew that they were from a Coldplay concert. I read Claudia's words and how she picked out the 1 butterfly for herself for her sweet little Mia, she picked up 6 for me. One for each pregnancy.

Honestly I can't even put into words what Claudia did for me made me feel. I have framed her letter with my Coldplay ticket and the butterflies.

This year has been my year for concerts. Last weekend I went to see Pearl Jam and Ben Harper.
Like the Coldplay concert I almost did not make it there, this time was only because I was not well. On the day though I pulled up pretty good. I just about jumped out of my skin with Eddie Vedder came out in the middle of Ben Harper's set and sand a song with him. It was a dream come true.

The high light of the evening was when Pearl Jam play Love Reign O'er Me. The very song I named my blog after...... yes I almost died and went to Heaven. The song has a gentle beauty and a raw harshness to it all at the same time. At that moment when Boom Gaspar came out to play the organ I knew they would play my song. I felt completely alive. For that moment I was able to feel all my fears about Water babe coming into this world. At the same time I felt excitement for her, I missed my son, I felt like the luckiest woman alive to have my beautiful girls and my gorgeous husband who has walked this road with me the whole way. I felt it all.

Most People

Most people don't sleep in their childrens bedroom as they sleep at night.

Most people don't plan the perfect birth announcement while at the same time planning the perfect death announcement in their head.

Most people don't pray for their childrens lives and safety when they leave the house in somebody elses care.

Most people have baby showers because they believe their baby will come home from hospital to use all the beautiful things given to them.

Most people don't worry about trying new foods with their kids. They don't imagine the worst happening.

Most people don't think of all the different things that could take their baby before they are born.

Most people don't think they are hurting anyone when they use the word retarded to describe a person who is actually far from it.

Most people don't sit up late at night wondering if there baby is warm and safe. Wondering if in fact they are still a baby or whether they have grown up at all.

Most people don't have major anxiety attacks before a 13 and 20 week ultrasound.

Most people don't worry them selves sick over their pregnant friends.

Most people look at other pregnant people and feel only happiness.

Most people don't live month by month wondering if the only chance at having a baby happened and will never happen again.

Most people just get out of bed in the morning with no trouble at all.

Most people don't have to think of how they will tell their daughters that their only brother died.

Most people haven't lost a baby. Thank God.


These "most people" maybe naive, but they are just more innocent then anything else.

Wouldn't it be nice to be most people, just for a little while. Just my random thoughts at this ungodly hour that I am awake at this morning.

A beautiful song and a haunting poem read by the perfect voice

This song was just too beautiful not to share.

Please visit Jess's blog to hear the poem.

Find This Couple!

So last night Sam drove the girls and I to the beach. It was the first time I have been since before I was put on bed rest.

Long story short - actually it wasn't such a long story but you know me I can tend to drag things out - I took a heap of photos - Wow how unusual! The last photo I took was of the pathway to Christian's Beach. Just before I took the photo the unknown couple featured in the shot put their arms around each other.

I printed the photo today and I am feeling so down that I don't know who they are as I would just love to give them the photo.

So this is for anyone living in Perth. Do you know these two people? They were at Mullaloo Point just after sunset at around 6:45pm on Tuesday the 10th November 2009. Note that the guy in the photo has cool dreadlocks.

If you live in Perth around the Northern suburbs why not copy and paste the photo in to an email and help me find this couple! You are welcome to share the image on facebook too!

If you know these people please email me at CarlyDudley@live.com

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

I want the positive me back.

I was doing well. Really well. I could envision her coming into this world screaming and cranky just like her big sister. I could see myself being wheeled straight back to my room with her and Sam. No recovery room time needed. Everything went as perfect as it could.

For some reason lately and I know people have good intentions but I am hearing so often of all the things that have gone wrong with people who have had the same problem in their pregnancy that I have at the moment. More often I am hearing of things I should be wary of. I guess people feel I need to be aware, prepared, educated even.

I am pretty aware I think. I know that if something is going to go wrong it could be one of a million different things. If I sit hear and think of all the things that could go wrong for much longer, the hole I am in will only be harder to climb out of. I guess people don't understand that when they warn me of things all they are really doing is adding to my already over worried mind.

I am on bed rest for the time being. I have hurt myself pretty good. I can't sleep lying down because it just hurts too much. So tomorrow Sam is going on a pillow spending spree so that I can be as comfortable as possible. I wish I had one of the hospital beds with the remote control. That would be cool. I spend most of my day pushing my hand up against her hands and feet so that she does not keep kicking my wound. I am amazed that I can even tell the difference between her hands and her feet. I don't know how I am going to get through the next 6 weeks.

Right now I am in need of some serious good news, not even good news, I just need to know positiveness again. In a couple of Saturdays time Sam and I am leaving the house to go to the Ben Harper and Pearl Jam concert. We have seats right up the back of the stadium. We will probably get there early and we will just wait til most people leave after the concert to actually get home. I can't even tell you how much I am looking forward to this night. Music heals me, cleanses me, rejuvenates me and most of all it uplifts me.


I am lucky. So lucky that my sweet hearts love each other so much. They hang out together all day and rarely get upset at each other. They sleep in the same room and sit on the same couch when they watch a movie. At dinner time Scarlett drags her chair so that it is touching River's. And every time I go to the beach wth Scarlett she asks me if River can come too. I can't imagine how hard this would be if they did not get along. I can't imagine going through this with out them. Scarlett is excited about her new baby sister. She knows a baby will be coming into our lives soon. She calls the baby by her name which just melts my heart. River doesn't have a clue whats going on. So she is in for a real surprise!

After a short stay in hospital on the weekend it really hit home that I look like I am really going to have a bumpy ride before I return home with my baby girl just before Christmas.

I love her. I want her. I want to be present when she is born. I want to be the next person to hold her after she is first given to her Dad. I want to be awake when her little sisters come in to meet her for the first time. I want to be the one to carry her out of the hospital. I want, I want, I want. Don't I just sound like a spoiled 3 year old.