Just over a year ago........

I found out that there was so much on the internet that could help to heal my broken heart.

It all began on youtube. I decided that I wanted to make a video tribute to my little guy. I made it and it made me feel so good to put my hurt out there and to share my little guy with the rest of the world.

I was relatively new to youtube and once I had made Christian's video I found that there were so many other tributes to little babies lost.

There was one that stood out. It tore my heart even further open. This video changed my life. It affected me in ways that I could never imagine. I cried for weeks over this story. The video was of a little prem babe named Carly. She put up such a big fight. In the end little Carly died of a heart defect. It happened so suddenly. The heartache in her mama's eyes is an image that will never leave me. I have teared up just thinking about it. I prayed that one day I would meet little Carly's Mama Rachel. I prayed Rachel for months. I prayed that her heart would heal. I had never spoken to her. Not even once but she never left my heart.

Because of Rachel I decided to really have a good look on the internet in search of other mums who might know my pain. It was then that I came across my first blog through a youtube video. Noah Steven - Crowned in Peace. Adrienne's blog inspired me to start writing myself and so this is how my blog was born. Further down the track I found that Rachel too had a blog.

What an incredible year this has been for me. I am so proud and thankful to be able to call Rachel and Adrienne my beautiful friends. This song so takes me back to that time when I first found Rachel's story.... Oh dear I'm a mess.

We all are :)

How BEAUTIFUL is this?



"Scarlett Honey, where are my post its?"

Learning from our children

I have been thinking a lot lately about my children. About all our children.

I think society focus's so much on what you can teach your child. But what about all that our children can teach us?

Some people might disagree with the way I parent my girls. Its true that my babes don't have a set bed time. Sometimes River sleeps in her cot and sometimes she sleeps with me. We don't have gates in the house to stop them from going into certain parts of the house. My children are what my Dad likes to call free range chickens. I have read a few books on parenting and have looked at an endless number of parenting websites. I just feel that everything I read just taught discipline and rules. Don't get me wrong there were so many valuable parenting skills that I did learn but I found myself making so many rules that all I was doing all day was nagging my child. She musn't have felt loved when all she did all day was be told off by me. I decided before River was born that having so many rules in the house really was not benefiting any of us.

In the last week and a half since I have pretty much been back on bed rest with low blood pressure, I have just sat back and watched my girls. I mean really watched them. They amaze me. They are so beautiful and even though they both are not great communicators verbally - they really are so intelligent. Scarlett is teaching me about forgiveness. At times in the last month I have yelled at her when I shouldn't have. She knows I am the one in the wrong and yet she always - every time comes up to me and wraps her arms around my legs and tells me she loves me. River is teaching me to laugh again. The type of laugh that puts you into the best place ever where you continue to laugh through out your day at the very same thing. Laughter is such an awesome gift.

To me my children are miracles. They are gifts sent from above. Each and everyone of them. I learn so much from these little beings that have been entrusted into my care. I like to believe that my babies chose me as their mother. The thought of Christian choosing me to be his mother brings me an amazing amount of comfort. I know it is not everyone's belief. I just have this vision of God and Christian sitting down together. Looking down at our Earth. Looking at all the families and having to choose one. Both of them knowing that he would not stay for long.

This week I had an ultrasound for this new little baby I am carrying. When the lovely woman conducting the ultrasound showed me my little baby's head I broke down in tears. This new little baby has more brain matter at 13 weeks gestation then my little guy did when he was born. I began to think about all that Christian did not have and yet he still was able to give me so much. His tiny little body that I gave birth too was so delicate yet so strong. I remember placing him on my chest and pulling the blankets up over us both. "Why have you come to me like this little boy? What lesson is so big and amazing that you could not teach it to me alive and well with your sister? Don't you know how much we wanted you? Don't you know how much I love you?" I heard no answer but I did feel at peace. A heavy peace. Something that I only once came close to feeling again when River was born 1 year and 4 days later.

All our babies whether they are here healthy and alive or not I believe have so much to teach us. I will never forget a time when my friend called me (Sue creates all the jewelry for the memorial site) She told me that she had just taken the hand prints to put into a locket from a 13 week gestation baby. This little sweet heart was miscarried only days before. At 13 weeks this little baby had perfect little hands. Their mother will forever be able to hold her baby's hand prints. I wonder what that little baby's purpose was.

Christian's life reveals more and more to me as the time passes. I know he will teach me things for the rest of my life.





















All babies are miracles, not just the ones that survive. They all have their own stories. They are all unique. They all are loved.

Scarlett's 'Toys'

This evening was spent in the warm company of my friend Sarah, her husband and their lovely friends and family. We were invited into Sarah's home for an early dinner. When Scarlett came down with a cold yesterday I thought it best to keep her away from the other children so Scarlett and River stayed with my Mum and Dad while Sam and I went out for the yummiest dinner I have had in a long while!

We had a lovely relaxing evening filled with laughs and good conversations. Thank you for having us Sarah!

When it was time to leave we headed home in the storm to pick up our girls from their Nannies house. I noticed that Scarlett's bag was fuller than it was when we had dropped her off. She told me she was taking home some of Nannie's toys.

So when we arrived home I emptied Scarletts bag as I was trying to find her medicine.

This is what I found........



















What am I raising here - An assasin?! This is what Scarlett referred to as "Toys" .... Oh dear.

And one more thing - Sam you most definitely will not be taking Scarlett to see Transformers.

57rsicpdtv

Under The Tree - June

If you are a baby lost mama and have not yet read about Under The Tree you can do so here.

I would like to say a special warm welcome to all our new ladies from facebook who will be joining us Under The Tree. Many of these women do not have blogs so the facebook group will give them all and outlet to share their thoughts and feelings.

We have a new comment link section at the bottom of this post so be sure to link yourself in there this time instead of the normal comment section!

Here is how it works:

Below are some questions for you to copy and paste to your own blog or into the facebook discussion page. Once you have answered them come back and leave the link and your name in the link section below. Please check the comment section to find others who may not have linked in.

This month I have done something a little different. The focus is not so much on grief but more of a 'get to know you' type thing. There is so much more to know about each and everyone of us than just our grief, so I thought it would be good and dare I say a little fun to let everyone know some of our likes and dis-likes. There are quite a few questions, know that you don't have to answer them all.

I have always believed that if I ever want to receive love, I must always give it out first. So don't forget to visit other ladies that you may find here or in the facebook group and send them your love - it is the main purpose for this writing exercise!

If you would like to spread the word about Under The Tree you can add the button on my sidebar to your post.

Here they are!

Hair Color: Brunette - well that s my natural colour,
at the moment my hair has a rich burgundy through it

Eye color: Blue/Grey

Profession: Website Manager and Mother to 3 beautiful
children

Relationship status: Married


My Favorites:

Favorite color: Charcoal - I know how boring.

Favorite movie: The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button

Favorite animal: Dolphins

Favorite store: The Body Shop and Dusk

Favorite childhood memory: Prawning with friends and family
at night time on the Swan River

Favorite hobby: Taking photo's and writing

Favorite song/singer: Ben Harper and I am loving Gregory
Alan Isakov right now.

Favorite book/author: Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth
Somethingarather
 
Favorite school subject: Art

Favorite vacation destination: Would love to make it to America!

Favoritefood: Chocolate and waffles with golden syrup and
vanilla ice cream sounds so good right now.

Favorite restaurant: You know what we don't eat out enough
for me to have a favourite.


This or That


Coke or pepsi : Diet coke

Beer or wine: No thanks

Coffee or tea: Never tried either

Apple Juice or O.J.: OJ

Summer or Winter: Summer Summer Summer

Cats or dogs: Dogs

Salty or sweet: Sweet!

Plane or boat: I'll walk

Morning or night: I am usually awake for both!
 
Money or love: Love

Breakfast ordinner: I think you mean Breakfast and Dinner
 
Forgiveness or revenge: Forgiveness

House or apartment: I would love an apartment preferably
in New York

Like to cook: and eat at the same time


Have You Ever:


Got a speeding ticket: Yes

Wished you were someone else: In certain points of
my life, yes.
 
Cried during a movie: How about cried during
every movie
 
Describe yourself in one word: Impossible

Biggest fear: Other than losing another babe,
vomiting is my biggest fear.
 
Biggest mistake: ummmmm hahaha where do
I start and how long do you have?

Your proudest accomplishment: All of my children

Dream job: Running To Write Their Names
In The Sand, in a house that is actually on
the beach!

Special talents: Making a sick child smile!

Where would you rather be at the moment: Cadbury
chocolate factory

Famous person you want to meet: Ben Harper or Chris Martin,
Sam will be so down that I did not put Bono.
 
Song to be played at your funeral: If I died today then
the song I would like to have played is
'That Moon Song' just because I really love it.

PLEASE NOTE IT SEEMS E HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH THE NEW LINK DEVICE - PLEASE
LEAVE YOUR BLOG LINKS IN A COMMENT.
.......................................

Under The Tree - Tomorrow

Dear Ladies,

I have had a bad day today with a fainting spell and a hospital visit. Right now when I wanted to be posting questions for the Under The Tree Gathering, I really just have to go to bed.

I will post the questions in the morning.

Love to all x

Vote For Christian!

Tonight I am asking for your help on something. Canon.com have a competition on at the moment called Creative For A Cause.

In their own words "A single photograph can represent the voices of a hundred, thousand or even a million people"

Canon are looking for one photograph. The photograph that receives the most amount of votes will win $60 000 to go to their favorite charity. The photographer will also win a Canon package for themselves.

I have entered this competition and if Christian's photo is the winner I have chosen Sids and Kids Australia as my award recipient. I will be honest in saying that having the benefit of a brand new professional camera would be such a treat for the evenings I spend at the beach!

So please if you have the time visit this link and vote for Christian's photo in memory of all children lost too soon. We believe this one photo doesn't just represent Christian, but all his other friends too.

Thank You Thank You Thank You!

Only love last night

I think I shall name this sunset 'The Butterfly'



















Because I got to spend it with this little butterfly.

Another first.

Today I met up with my girlfriends Tara and Liz. Its was so lovely to get outside into the sun. We went to a park that has a great playground for the kids, birds and a lake with a jetty.

Liz gave birth to a little boy named Samuel on the day I thought I lost this little babe that I am carrying now. Today I met little Samuel for the first time. Liz asked me if I would like a hold. I jumped at the chance, wrapping his sweet little body up in my arms and up onto my shoulder. It was so lovely to just hold him, rub his back and hold his little head in the palm of my hand. I could have held him all day.

It wasn't until I was driving home that it occurred to me that little Samuel was the first newborn baby boy that I have ever held since I held Christian on the day of his birth. I can't believe I have not held a another little boy in 2 and a half years. It felt wonderful. I never imagined I would feel this way holding a new born baby boy that was not my own, but I did.

I remember holding a tiny little baby girl for the first time a month or two after I lost Christian. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Although I believe that time can not heal everything in my case it really has helped me.

People ask me all the time if I want a little boy. My answer is always "Of course we would like a little boy but we would love a little girl too"
















I mean how could we not wan another one of these?

The Great Divide

Lately I see so many topics in blog posts sounding what "others" say.

"How many children do you have?"

"Is this your first?"

"Do you want to have children?"

I feel like there is this 'new way' evolving in what we call life after the loss of our child/ren. It is us (the baby lost) against everyone else. I hate that.

When somebody asks "Is this your first baby?" They are not asking it to upset us. Although this question maybe hard for some of us to answer, the person asking is only taking interest in our life. In our baby or child. They are more than likely just excited for us. They are coming from a place of innocence. I can hardly imagine someone asking this just to be nasty.

People wonder why "the others" are not more supportive. It could be because we make people feel like everything they say or ask is a 1000 knives in our already damaged heart. Or maybe they just aren't real good friends. I see so many friendships fail after one friend loses a child. Is this thing called grief that was dumped on us really worth losing friendships over. Grief is work. We have to work. If we sit back and let it sink us, how will we keep anything precious to us alive?

Sometimes when we tell people that we have lost a child they react badly, either saying something that does not help, or worse they may even run away or change the subject. At the end of the day these people were more than likely in shock. No one expects to hear "My baby died" because most babies don't die. People react the only way they know how to. How do we not know that they didn't go home and cry over what has happened to us or even cry at themselves for the way they reacted. I am not in the dark here. I know that sometimes people say the most terrible things that are insensitive and upsetting. Lets face it there are some horrible people out there, I have recieved teh most disgusting anonymous comments imaginable but most people have hearts and feelings too. It is good to write out your heart on exactly how you feel. We have every right to be hurt, upset and angry even but if we continue to dwell heavily and deeply on the things people say we will grow old, miserable and insanely bitter at the world.

We are all human here.

I see on many blogs and comments that people despise other pregnant women. Even hating them. I feel so sad over this. I know this community is full of love and endless support but lately I feel like this community can be full of bitterness towards others too. I remember after I lost Christian I would see pregnant women and feel down for myself. I never felt hate towards them though. How am I to know whether or not these women haven't lost babies of their own. These women deserve to be happy. We all deserved to be happy with live, healthy and whole babies. It is not fair what we were dealt. But we all know that just because we deserve something does not mean we will receive it.

In the rest of our lifetime we are going to be asked many questions that involve our children. There will always be times where people are insensitive. But if we focus all our energy on what someone said, whether it was an innocent question or an insensitive comment we are all going to drown. I think that the blogosphere is so good to be used as a venting tool. I am just concerned that people will get years down the track and read back on there writings only to read bitterness. I feel like we can honour our children's lives in so many amazing ways but to do that we have to let go. Let go of hate.

None of us chose these cards we were handed, but we are forced to play this game. We are all amazing to even just get out of bed each day, we are all handling this life the only way we know how to. People in this world, the majority that have not lost a child/ren are not out to get us, or make us hurt more.

In saying all of that I really hope I don't upset anyone with my thoughts. That is the last thing I want to do. I just hate seeing people feel such bitterness. We don't deserve that feeling.

I leave you with a piece of music that is very close to my heart - Click play - close your eyes and enjoy x

Comment Moderation

I have ummed and ahhhed for a while over comment moderation and whether I should have it on here or not.

This morning I woke up to a comment that was well, you know, not very welcome. Some of you saw it before I did and I am sorry for that.

In all honesty I don't have the time to moderate comments. You know I don't even get to read half of what is going on in the names site. I just can't find the time. So I have decided to just delete rotten comments as soon as I see them. A nasty comment made by an anonymous person will never upset us. Ever. Its only nasty comments from people we know that would really hurt. I will always allow Anonymous commenters on here as most Anon's on here are lovely.

If you ever see a nasty anonymous comment on here, don't even give them your time by acknowledging their weakness. I will not be offended by anything they say. Seriously. So I will just be deleting them as soon as I lay my eyes on them. Its not fair that others get upset, when clearly that is these people's goals and intentions are.

Argh so much anger and sadness this week. Booooooooooo to it all. I am going to leave this post on the sweetest note. This song was sent to Sam and I by Tim from over at Cries For The Silent. Tim, thank you for thinking of us and introducing us to an incredibly beautiful new artist. We love hearing new music - and this song - well we love it. Maybe you, Cynthia, Sam and I could all listen to it together.... one day :)